IT'S NOT GOING TO KILL ME, I'VE FALLEN BEFORE AND SURVIVED

So I've had my skates 2 weeks now and I'm making steady improvement it seems. My delusions of grandeur involving 5:30 mornings have died in the proverbial so far, but the good intention is still there. 

My improvement is heavily tied to my fear factor, which is permanently fixed to I'm-going-to-surely-die-in-T-minus-2-seconds. I've developed a method of coping which is repeating the mantra: eyes forward, stay low, relax. I've found that by forcing my stance and legs and feet to relax has helped dramatically every time. It's so bizarre that as an adult, I find I'm consciously having to remind me of what was a given as a child. IT'S NOT GOING TO KILL ME, I'VE FALLEN BEFORE AND SURVIVED. Aah to have the child-like wonder of not having fallen much before. I can't wait to get to the part where its subconscious and I can focus on funner (it's a word, nerd) things; such as how to remain upright after smashing someone.

I've been getting to know my skates and a love affair has begun. Obsessive much? Adjusting, checking, preening, changes to my wheels - theres so much to do! 

Best things I've learned:

1. Keep your trucks loose, if they're too tight you're workin' too hard
2. Loosen your wheels for road skating, tighter for rink skating
3. Set yourself one primary goal for each session, and don't make excuses for yourself!
4. Get road wheels and skate on a solid footpath/basketball court/flat surface. The better you get at rough terrain, the easier it gets in a rink. (In fact a rink seems luxurious, like showering after you've been camping)
5. Watch a lot of derby - pick out the most useful and frequently used skill and become a pro at it. Given my current level of skating and wimp issues I've fittingly picked falls and getting back up quickly/safely.

6. Lead with your boobs. For reals, it works. Turn your boobs and point them where you wish to go. 

Ultimately, I'm getting there, though mostly I think I've become more accustomed to the idea of occasionally eating shit, it's my new thing this falling over business. As a result can push that thought back a little further in the buzzsaw that is my inner monologue.

My first real skate class

Last night was ‘adult skate class’. Second to my experience in munchkinland on Saturday, I noticed a more suitable slot for my significantly larger and less bendy frame so my friend, my partner and stepdaughter and I went along. Doesn't help that we were running late and I had already broken a sweat before we were on the rink due to rushnerves! My partner being the supportchampion he is said he was making his roller skating debut that night also. I hurried into my skates, then stood up and WHAT? I had forgotten everything I’d done the other day, for fucks sake it had been 3 days! I looked up at the class and saw an all women group, with just- past- ginger skaters. Their ringleader – a beautiful tattooed woman with a giant voice and an even bigger laugh. She glided gracefully over to where we were sitting and very loudly made a joke about us being late, followed by a happy hearty laugh. Phew. So happy to see a freak like me was taking the class. I was immediately more at ease.

We started with gliding out on one leg, then a T Stop, though at this stage my legs weren’t cooperating so I spent most of my time on the wall. The class then ran through front scissor rolls, roll and get low, skate while tossing a ball in the air, skating round markers, and through markers whilst bouncing the ball.

I couldn’t decide if it was going too fast, I was too slow, or if I was being wimpy. I’d wager it was the latter. Our tattooed ringleader was brilliant, she encouraged me and gave good clear directions and generally was awesome. I finished the class disappointed with myself that I didn’t just have a crack at more of the class. I avow to kicketh more ass next Tuesday.

An absolute jewel she gave me, she noticed my arms would flail and stopped me from doing it by holding a ball and skating, and BAM 100% more stable. It was like roller skating made perfect sense afterward.

In the end I left the class more perplexed with skating than when I entered, though I think this had more to do with this delusion I had about it somehow clicking and doing 360's in the air by the end of the class. Reality, as always, is a cruel cruel mistress.

Nothing both brutal and amazing ever happened to a benchwarmer

So the only time I’ve ever skated, I was about 8 years old and went with vacation care. I don’t think I’ve ever tried and failed so hard at anything since. The next day, I felt agony like I’d never felt before. I remember coming out of my room screaming and unable to lower my arms. It seemed all the grabs for the railing left my arms shredded. My mother laughed of course, as I’d never had sore muscles before and was positive I was dying.

21 years later, I’ve made a not-so-secret pact with myself that I will, at all costs, be a Derby girl. So last Saturday my friend (who also intends to learn) and step-daughter headed out to our first ‘Star Class’ at the local rink. $8 entry, $3 skates, couldn’t go wrong!

That was, until we entered what looked like a swarming village of small children. Tiny people all around going extremely fast, and I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t sink a little. I somehow thought adults still tried to be cool? Seemingly not, judging by the coffee-swilling packs of mothers seated all around. I felt SO uncool. What adults were there, were speeding past at break-neck speed. I strapped on my skates, and then the thought occurred to me. How the fuck am I going to stand up in these? My friend who swore she “couldn’t skate” miraculously seemed to speed merrily away, leaving me at the bench, wondering how to get to the rail without making a complete arse of myself.

Well, nothing both brutal and amazing ever happened to a benchwarmer so I psyched myself up to ignore everyone and stand on my own 8 wheels. UP! Now. TO THE RAIL! Gingerly, doesn’t even come close to how I approached the next hour of rail holding and trying to remain upright on these disastershoes. After a short burst of confidence, I’d realise I was going too fast with no bail plan and grab desperately for the railing leaving my legs and wheels to continue after me. Then, I slowly made my way out onto the rink. (Yes I was skating outside the rink). What I found was not only was I having the time of my life, I was drenched in sweat; not so much from physical exertion (it’s impossible when you’re travelling that slow) but from CONCENTRATING! My mind was on fire, I was more focussed than I’ve been in years! I dared myself a new dare every time I went round don’t grab for the rail at all this lap, bend your knees and skate faster, try and snow plow stop. I headed out at the end of the session high as a metal kite, but not without sneaking a lustful glance at the derby skates on the shelf begging to be mine.

My friend and I were hooked, we had to knowlearnsmash derby. I’d told myself, if I showed any signs of being able to skate, that would be it, I’d join roller derby. I passed my own test :)

My biggest concerns about derby, not as much the injuries, but my weight. I’m 100kg’s at the moment, not exactly the ideal weight for impact sports (or anything for that matter, except cuddling). I’ve been lucky in my build as I’m also 6ft, so I don’t look like the weight I am. Well, not entirely. I’m doing this to play team sport because I LOVE and MISS it, to get fit in a way that is more sustainable than the boredom and jerks I hate at the gym, and because well, I’m part islander which means I’m physically destined for contact sport. But mostly because I’m in awe of the girls who do it, and wonder if they’d ever be my friend being so fiercely divine as they are. I’ve watched everything I can on youtube and read all the stuffnthings and forums and reviews and its decided!

And so here I am, writing a blog about it, perhaps because I’ve read a few of the derby blogs and realised that my big girl experience that might be of use to other women who want to smash their way to physical freedom. Because derby already made me feel more comfortable with my body, and I haven’t even played yet!

Tryouts in 2 months, buying my skates on the 15^th May and then.......SKATE EVERY DAY UNTIL I CANT MOVE!