Romancing my knees: New derby gear for those special someone's..

It's been a long year for my kneebones.

From the beginning of derby journey,  they've been under tremendous pressure to perform,  and as it turns out my kneepads (read about them here),  were a pile of shit. I should have known when I got mysterious bruises under my pads,  or maybe when my knee started swelling after training.  The injury I got scaling Mt Tamborine was an extension of what was already happening under my pads really. A massive disgusting hematoma that eventually ran down to my ankle and swelled there.  I couldn't afford better pads when I returned to derby which led me to my local sports store to get volleyball pads for underneath to create extra cushioning.  It worked,  for a spell, until my freshmeat pal told me of this amazing sale at Boardshop. I'd been lusting after some Deadbolt knees and Gladiator Gaskets, but I needed a cheap solution NOW. I launched at the website and couldn't believe luck - 187 Pro Derby knees for $85.00 with FREE shipping??

This might seem expensive for Americans, but here in the great land of Oz, if you wanna play derby;  you better have a pile of gold somewhere cause livin' on an island ain't cheap.

I also got some Smith's scab's gaskets, for about $40.00 and this was all delivered in a day, so big ups to Boardshop; I was super happy with the service. The only sell protective gear for derby, given they are actually a skateboard shop, but it’s cheaper than other places in Oz.

Yesterday I took them for a spin at training. I'm sure if my knees could speak they'd sing reggae, cause they were so chilled and happy. My review:

Smith's scabs gaskets

I expected them to be a little tighter, as I didn't have to fight to get them up. I was around the centre of XL according to my size measurements, but retrospectively I wonder if I could have gotten away with an L. Still, the padding is good, and my joint felt like it was being cuddled tight :) I still had the full range of movement, and today my knee feels great.

187 Pro Derby kneepads:

I wasn't so sure about getting these, they seemed bulky and sitting-on-top-of-your-kneecap-like but I'm glad I got them. The padding is AWESOME, they don't cut in anywhere so are really comfy. I did feel like they affect my crossover step but I think it's manageable. I did notice when trying to Turkish Get up they slipped to the side slightly, but I had my gaskets under my training pants and the kneepads over, so there was no contact to hold the pads in place. Stupid I know.

Honestly taking double knees almost felt like I wasn't falling at all, and an added bonus is I could push my hips out further because I wasn't as shocked by the tap-tap.

Ultimately, if you are pre-freshmeat or currently in a league, I offer you a wake-up call. Buy your pads BEFORE your skates, don't skimp, do your research and spend every last penny on them. Even for me, about 7 months of skating on bad pads has taken a toll. Spend big on your knees, take them out to dinner, offer them elevation and rest, ice and compression and daily squats. Pretend they're like already unhappy, do happy knees exercises. Turn your weakness into your strength!

I tried Bikram Yoga, which I could go into with great depth but in short - it was pretty culty, and I can't believe I'm saying this but it was competitive. I couldn't bear all the gentle and free-spirited voices and competitive origami limbs. Margaret Cho couldn't have said it better IMO.

So now I'm about halfway through this:

And my leg strength has gone through the roof! It's totally worth it, and seriously, I promise you that it only lasts for about 5 minutes of your day. It's a great way to ease yourself into daily movement if you aren't doing this normally.

I have half of my workplace doing it with me too : )

Things are on the move. Hope they are for you too.

Train like you fucking mean it!

Ballet dancers are good at transitioning

One imposition my weight seems to create is on my knees. I'm dreadfully knock-kneed and I did kinda stress over that in the beginning wondering if that meant I could skate but then I read a heartwarming article from Bonnie D.Stroir and it turns out shes knock kneed too, and well, she totally slays so there's hope in them there hills.

We attempted turning to face behind us for the first time which meant I had to basically demi plie. Given my ballet experience extends as far as Centre Stage and Black Swan, you can imagine what I looked like.

Anyway, it goes a lil something like this:

• Skate forward with your feet parallel
• Take a slight step forward with your right foot
• Turning your upper body left to face your behind you , turn your left foot back 180 into plie
• Pick up your right foot and bring it round parallel your left

This is made easier by keeping your knees bent, chin up instead of on your feet and really focussing on turning your boobs - your feet will follow even if you are feeling freaked about it. I've practiced it a bunch of times and it's still sloppy and heavy footed at best. This is largely driven by a complete lack of flexibilty on my part. Hence part of my daily routine now will be stretching, particularly my hip flexors and back. The more limber I am from the top down the less strain my knees will cop. That's my theory anyway. 

Happy skating :)

P.s another great resource for incurably knock kneed can be found here

Self imposed skiatus and the HCG diet

I've been a lazy lover, dear blog, to which I have no excuse other than life. I've been on a hiatus from skating since November after taking a mountain-to-the-knee whilst scaling down Mt Tamborine. I cast derby from my head in a bid to ease the depression of putting freshmeat on hold. Shame, I'd skated 23 in 5 and started crossing over properly.

I learned a few lessons though. Whilst there's no better way to get fit than actually move, and derby did that for me, I couldn't ask something like that of a body I had left in total disrepair. Derby wasn't going to fix it, for me at least. And perhaps I could have done the ol' teaspoon of concrete, but I can't just DO derby, I want to be GOOD - and that requires a body that can handle it. So I focussed on what I could change and after much deliberation decided to try HCG Protocol through some advice of a fitness warrior I respect.

For those who are noobs to HCG, it stands for Human Chrionic Gonadotropin; and it's based on the hormone that is produced to support a woman's ovary in ovulation or in pregnancy. Through taking the homeopathic drops, your body is stimulated into producing said hormone and this inturn causes fat to be released into the system as it would a pregnant woman. Sounds pretty fucking crazy right? It seems to be everywhere you look at the moment. Your nanna is probably on it.

I got a book of recipes that supported the restrictions and looked forward to trialling it all. The book itself was pretty helpful, especially given I'm vegetarian and figured I'd struggle to find proteins that were HCG friendly but I didn't. I read all the evidence to support/damn it online and came to the conclusion (as I often find on the internet) no-one can give me a certain answer and fuck-this-I'll-try-it-and-see-if-it-works.

I knew the following when I started:

• Even if the whole thing was a sham, I would still lose weight by only consuming 500 calories  daily
• It was a good opportunity to kick-start my weightloss and a 'segue' from the debauchery of white flour and insulin-whoring I was up to beforehand
• I am prone to extremist behaviour when needing lasting change and had to have a back-up plan that meant achieved real change
• I wanted to put my body into ketosis, and this would achieve it.
• I needed to have a few quick wins with my weight to recall what it was I lost in the first place

 It was the hardest change I've ever made diet-wise. I loaded on the first two days, which is code for a food fuckfest, as the diet specified, and was secretly glad to see the back of it on Day 1 of phase 2. I was pumped - 40 days, no carbs, no sugar, no fun. I can do this right? Right?

Then the vagueness set in, followed by the headaches; rammed in by the nauseousness and the endless hours of hunger. After the first week, things steadily improved by the day. I was losing over a kilo a day in the first 4 days. My skin started to clear, to an eventual glow. The dark circles around my eyes faded and my energy started to level out. By day 14 I was feeling stellar, my will was good and I'd lost enough weight for my clothes to feel different.

The most problematic part, the reason I'd not done this whilst I was in freshmeat was because there isn't enough calories to train hard. Freshmeat was for me, the most physically demanding thing I'd done since Volleyball and given the fartlek-style fitness drills and my average burn of about 1200 cals a session I didn't think I would make it. In fact, whilst on HCG I was even struggling walking up small inclines. I had nothing in my muscles and was lactic acid central after relatively short sets of stairs. It was dealable though, and I was spurred on by the scales every morning.

Once I hit around 27 days, I was starting to go the other way. My skin was getting ruddy and I was constantly zonked. My pipeworks fucked up and I was a pretty much a total cunt to be around :) What was most concerning was my mental state. As the diet requires you to weigh yourself DAILY, my obsessiveness about even 100g wasn't healthy. The first day I gained, despite having followed all the rules I went to water because of what I perceived I had to do to myself that day, and for what?! So the next day I ate 300 calories. Not good. Whilst I agree with an awareness of the scales, I completely disagree with obsessing over it, and HCG relies on it so heavily. So, at day 30, exactly 10 days short of my 40 day HCG goal, I relented and ate carbohydrates and cheese. Then lentils and naan.


Now, I'm about a week out from going 'rogue' and after my little starch freak-out have gone back to a similar diet as HCG, though having introduced my friend Quinoa and a bigger assortment of vegies on my plate. I am still losing weight. I am now trying to unlearn weighing myself daily.

Even today, having eaten about 1000 calories, I don't know where I could fit any more. I read a friends diet plan this week and looked at her 1400-calorie-a-day-weight-loss-plan as living in the lap of luxury. So, to that end HCG has solved one hurdle. I've kissed bread and pasta goodbye; they were dirty sluts anyway so I'm straight without it. Another benefit was figuring out I'm probably intolerant to them given what happened after carbing it up. I also have the presence of mind to reintroduce food slowly, and figure out what's been messing with me all these years. I've figured out that life ruled by sugar and insulin spiking is shithouse and I much prefer the sweetness of an apple or some blueberries.

Overall, HCG won't kill you (more likely you'll kill others), but it isn't the correct answer for me. I also ran a test using Fitness Pal, by adding up my calories correctly and found my projected weightloss was in line with my diet irrespective of the Homeopathic drops, proving to me at least that they were probably a placebo. I went without them for 2 days and found the only difference to be that I was slightly hungrier. Perhaps a double-blind litmus Hawking test would bear more weight but I'm fresh outta bunsen burners, so this is the extent of my deductive powers.

As for skating, well, I start bikram next week to sort this knee shit out and keep the losses coming. It's also super good for your core and joints, two things pivotal to me getting back on skates yesterday already.

Keep you posted. Hope you learned something, I sure did.

Skate faster bitches!

The league of extraordinary ungentlepeople

As you might have guessed I've been doing all this falling over and getting up and trying again with the intention of joining a roller derby league. Finally I went to meet n greet with the unruly freshmeat (and new derby comrades). Like any first day of school, I packed my bag with all my new things, made my hair less birdsnest-like and tried wear my look of nonchalance. The truth is, I had been waiting for this day for months and could barely contain my excitement.

And like any first day at school I stood around trying to look the least awkward and smiling at those I met eyes with. Brain go: fuck, I can't believe I'm 29 and still wondering if the cool kids want to play with me! Mouth go: Hi, how are you? (It should be noted that I am generally far more awkward than the situation requires.) Fortunately the awkwardness was short-lived, as a raven-haired smile gathered all the shoegazers into a circle and broke the ice with friendly questions. I was relieved for it, and stole glances at all my new comrades.

An unsuspecting bunch it seems.

I don't know what I expected, so it both was and wasn't, I guess. Everyone was bright and lovely, and each completely different to the next. I guess in the world I walk around in a lot of women (and men) seem very 'samey'. Same fashion, same ideas, same accessories, same life.  Everyone in our group stood out from one another. A giant rainbow. Mothers, students, freaks, nerds, tomboys, rollerbladers-come-derbyers, layman's, experienced freshies. It was nice : ) As with many other social events, I find myself drawn to that endearing person who unabashedly announces how awkward the situation is. Today was no different, as I found myself next to that girl. I duly noted when she pulled her skates out later that she, like me, had mismatched laces and well, any person that has the presence of mind to see mismatched things as an improvement, and says endearing things; gains an instant friend in me.

Enough divergence. We got a little handbook that I might have read 5 times now. All the basics of being freshmeat, the league's expectations and the process of progressing. After a few talks from the veterans and coach, housekeeping info etc we were allowed to leave, readied with details for a following week's start. As this all happened, skaters arrived to start training after, which totally stole my attention. Hell freakin' yeah I wanna watch them train! I parked up beside my new friend and excitedly watched them warm up. The most encouraging and intriguing thing I've noticed is how everyone's body (being different) moved when then they skate. A good example was watching tall girls vs shorter girls. The compact neat movements of the shorter skaters compared to the long loping grace of the taller girls. It's all of benefit in some way or another in derby. It's so different to volleyball where your best asset was your height, second even to skill, unfortunately.

The recent freshmeat graduates started this drill which I could only describe as a smash 'em derby. A huge pack of skaters, all trying to knock eachother out of bounds. Holy shit it looked like so much fun. By this point we were sitting with the raven-haired smile and her friend, a seasoned skater who looked to be lethal on the track. They pointed out an experienced skater who hung at the front of the pack and watched, seemingly waiting for the bulk to pick eachother off. Clever. Then, as one of the remaining few skated around her she sped up and hit her hard with the shoulder. Completely levelled her.

On the other track the men skated. Again, so different to watch skate. The hits they were taking, and the speed they were travelling at was awe-worthy. One of the veteran skaters moved in and out of the pack like he was floating. I don't know I'd ever seen skating look so natural. I can't wait to get to the part where my skating looks even partly that fluid! I still look like a Mack truck taking off at the lights! Ha.

Overall, it was everything I'd hoped for and more. It was finally real, and not something I read on the internet :) I'm super psyched for my first training, and despite my secret terror, think I can do this derby business if I focus and listen and practice. I'm fuckin in!